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*sighs* [07 Nov 2009|12:04am] sister_moon [ mood | blank ] [ music | Only Hope ] Well I am in the middle of a conference with Jeff and Soul Catcher. So far it hasnt been going to well but hopefully when everyone gets back it will get better. *sighs* Im tired and I dont feel good and Jeff isnt helping matters. I thought this was going to be a nice talk with everyone getting along and of course Jeff has to start in on his shit again. Blah well everyone is back and things are going ok for the most part. Blah. I never should have set up this conference. I am so tired of trying. I cant keep doing this. I just want to lay down and sleep. Im listening to Only Hope and I just want to cry. I just want everything to end. I want the pain and the hurt and just everything to go away. I wanna cut. Cutting would be good right now. Just to sit there and watch the blood drip down my arm creating trails that wind their way down my body. To just sit there and make thousands of cuts all over so that my body is awash with blood. Oh the sweetness that comes with each slice of the blade. Each sting that brings the beloved pain that I seek. I crave it with every fiber of my being but I cant. I have to keep it under control. I have to control the raging need inside of me. post comment

Another day [06 Nov 2009|06:29pm] sister_moon [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Grinch ] Well I did end up going to Rjs. He gave me $100 so Im not complaining to badly. Now I know I will have enough to buy my ticket to Ga for December. And as much as I am dreading going to GA I really do miss my brothers. It will have been a year since I have seen them and thats way to long in my opinion. Its gonna be crazy to see how much they have grown. Especially Titus. *sighs* Not sure what kind of mood I am in right now. I know I dont feel good. My chest is hurting me pretty bad. Its like there is something stuck at the bottom of my throat but theres nothing there. And of course my jaw hurts from where I got my tooth pulled which sucks majorly. I am waiting on the vicadin to kick in and make some of my pain go away at least for a little while. Im watching a movie tonight with Wolf called The Happening. I saw part of it at a friends house so Wolf rented it so I could see the whole movie. Dave wants me to come over tonight and hang out with him and everyone else but I dont think Im going to as Im watching that movie with Wolf. I just wish I felt better. RJ gave me a pendant last night. Its actually pretty cool. Its a snake biting its tail with an upside down star in it. Its pretty sweet. I like it. Of course Jeff flipped out about it cause he says its a satanic symbol but I already knew that. Its gonna freak my parents out as well. *laughs* Maybe I have enough to get my piercing now before I go to GA as well. I wanna get my eyebrow done. And then later maybe get my nose done after winter. Not sure yet. Trying to decide if I should leave my hair the way it is or dye it the purple I was planning on doing. Not sure yet. I still have to buy all my christmas presents and birthday presents for my brothers. I have no idea what to get them. Oh well. I dont know what to get anyone for christmas. Maybe Ill make gifts. Not sure yet. Lantis is being overly loving again and trying to jump between me and the computer so I stuck him on top of the computer. Dunno what I would do without him. Im going to miss him so badly when I leave for GA. I dont know what hes going to do as hes a Mommas boy. He stands at the door and meows if I leave or dont let him in my bedroom. Ive never left him longer then one night before so this will be interesting. Except when I was in the hospital. He drove Mom up the wall cause he was up her ass the whole time I was gone. Well I am going to Nikkis for thanksgiving. That should be cool. I always have fun when I go to nikkis. Lets just hope I feel better by then. Will be weird actually doing something for thanksgiving. Normally my family just going out to dinner to celebrate it. Will be nice to have a a home cooked meal. Last year I was working on thanksgiving so it didnt matter. Frank is supposed to call me tomorrow about getting together. Should be fun. Im spending the night with him in a hotel. That at least will give me the pain I need without having to cut. Which by the way I didnt cut the other night. I drank a couple wine coolers and went over to Daves and hung out with him and some other people. Im still craving to cut but its not as bad as it was. I have it back under control for now at least. It wont last long but its better then nothing. I think I am running a fever. Not sure. Oh guess what. I saw my first snow for the winter today. It snowed last night at Rjs and there was snow on the ground this morning. It was really pretty but way cold. We are in for a long winter I fear. Hopefully it wont be to bad in GA. And everyone cross your fingers that the weather in early deci isnt to bad so I can make it down to GA. Oh well. Wont know till then. Im listening to all kinds of music at the moment but as long as its not Jazz I dont care. I cant stand jazz for to long. And thats all RJ listens to is jazz. I was actually able to sit down the other day and write a poem. I was so proud of myself. And I have an idea for another one so hopefully this means my writers block is gone. I talked to my dr the other night and told him the depression med wasnt working so he tripled the dose from 10 mg to 30 mg a day. Yay. Hopefully it will work though. Cause my depression is just getting worse and worse and I dont like it. I have no interest in doing anything and I cant have that going on. I need to be able to do things especially if I am going to be making my presents. I think I will end up making some and buying others. Not sure yet. I know what I am getting Linda for christmas. Hers is easy cause she collects Coke products so I am going to get her some coke glasses. Well gotta run for now. Ill write more later. post comment

When will this Image Come Out of My Brain? [06 Nov 2009|11:03am] unusaantianarch [ mood | grateful ] [ music | Lose You - Pete Yorn & Bring On The Wonder - Susan Enan ] "Lose You" by Pete Yorn I’m Taking a ride Off to one side It is a personal thing Where When I can’t stand Up in this cage I’m not regretting I don’t need a better thing I’d settle for less It’s another thing for me I just have to wander through this world Alone Stop before you fall Into the hole that I have dug here Rest Even as you Are starting to feel the way I used to I don’t need a better thing Just to sound confused Don’t talk about everyone I am not amused by you 'Cause I’m gonna lose you Yes, I’m gonna lose you If I'm gonna lose you 'Cause I’m gonna lose you Yes, I’m gonna lose you If I'm gonna lose you I'm gonna lose you for good she was in my dream last night. with other people. they were in the background, though. we were in England again. i don't know what to make of it. i looking forward to a couple weeks in the future when Chrissy comes. so very much. but, what's going on in my head? it's just been 3 months. that could do it. we barely really talk, which isn't too bad of a thing, i guess. i just wish. i don't know. nopps. i'm gonna stand my ground here. thank you Pete Yorn. this is an amazing song. (good album too.) thank you House for introducing me to this song. should be heading back to school today. gonna call the health center and find out soon. as soon as i'm done writing here. don't have a date for the semi-formal. gonna work on that. had someone, but they can't. busy and all. oh well. we shall see. this song provides an interesting range of emotions along with it. strong, sad, lonely, powerful, and whatever that "moving on" emotion is. that's what i've been doing. and that's what i keep doing. i miss her. i don't think i'll ever stop. it'll just wane in time. i lost you for good. love always. as a friend. *bows* adios. post comment

Take Me Back ('Cause Quarantine is Starting to Get on My Nerves) [05 Nov 2009|11:30am] unusaantianarch [ mood | better ] [ music | Money for That - Shiny Toy Guns ] holy crap! that new/old Shiny Toy Guns album i've had laying around for so long now is awesome! dude! anywho. i'm stuck at home with the Swine. it started to get to me on Halloween. then after rehearsal on sunday, i crashed. Andrea and Nicole took care of me until 3am. then checked in on me on monday. went to the health centre, then the clinic, then back to my room for my temporary "Social Isolation" until my rents came and took me home. my car's fixed. that's nice. i've been catching up on a lot of Law & Order. Bones is also an awesome show. hmm, yeah. that's about all that's been going on. the nurse at school said i should be able to come back tomorrow. ...heh, all the work i've missed... woops. gonna have a handful to do this weekend. make that a couple handfuls. i've only listened to side 1 of 4 of the Shiny Toy Guns album, but the song "Money for That" is amazing. making me miss the past, like half the things in this world (particularly this room) do. "Money for That" - Shiny Toy Guns School bells ringing, 1994 Music's burning, running in my head Gonna shout it out, in my head How could I forget I'd give you Money for that Is there some way I could go back I'd give you money for that If there's some way, I would How could I forget Little choices, seem so pointless No one near me, ever slows me down I was good to go, in my head How could I forget I'd give you money for that Is there some way I could go back' I'd give you money for that If there's some way, I would How could I forget Pictures on written walls All of the songs I know It's like another time Where did it go Where did it all go I'd give you money for that Is there some way I could go back I'd give you money for that If there's some way, I would How could I forget post comment

this post brought to you by my facepalm icon, on dw anyways [04 Nov 2009|10:19pm] athenemiranda [ mood | energetic ] [ music | Dar Williams - Are You Out There ] Just had my last night class. I am so going to miss it. :( Solution: find more things to learn, or do something, anything, productive enough to remind me that I'm still alive. Like I said, January should be good but now? gdi, I should probably start playing a videogame that's more violent than Sims 3, because really. M's been teaching me to drive lately - that's one good thing. I have been on proper roads without dying, even, though we did get pulled over by a cop once; fortunately he was not an asshole and merely ragged on us for having a dead taglight (which incidentally has been murder to replace), so hey. Driving lessons are v. useful in two completely separate respects: a) they shift my moving-around status from passive to active so make me pick up on things I otherwise wouldn't, from the subtleties of traffic laws to the way the nearby highways knit together, and b) it just plain feels exhilarating, like skating only much less so because nothing is like skating gdi do i ever miss my ice. I am going to be late sending my father a birthday card; do not have space or money to do anything else and wow am I ever not inclined to pretend to care, and yet I must, if only for the sake of my siblings who actually have to put up with him. This house is also lately a bit of a warzone. I am kinda glad, tbh, because I hated being the only one who wasn't pretending everything was all nicey-nice. More screaming, less bullshit is fine by me, poss. because I am not the one being screamed at. Justice is served, Nemesis & thorns already lodged in people's flesh, etc. Everything's in the air re. us moving, various other people moving - I guess we'll figure it out soon enough, etc. I will likely be running the S3 fic/art exchange this year. Yay! I keep wanting to wander around singing Dar, sit down and let words pour out or both at the same time, which is about as productive as it sounds. post comment

Blah [04 Nov 2009|07:13pm] sister_moon [ mood | blah ] [ music | Vermillion 2 ] I think I forgot to mention in previous posts that I redyed my hair. Well I bleached it. So its blond at the top and goes to a pretty red at the bottom. I bleached it cause I wanted to dye it purple but it came out so well I am not going to add the purple till later on. Well I got my tooth pulled out yesterday. I am very proud of myself. I made it to the hospital all by myself and back without getting lost. Right now I am sitting here by myself drinking a wine cooler with my head phones on and my music just typing and shutting out the world on Wolfs computer cause hes on Moms computer. Im trying to drown out the world because I cant handle it anymore. I want to cut so bad that I asked Mom for my blades so I could cut. I dont know if I will use them but i want to so badly. So much going through my head and yet nothing at all. I got some hand gloves today at Hot Topic. They were on sale so I couldnt pass them up. Arg I hate Wolfs keyboard. I am not used to it anymore so it makes it harder to type. Oh well. Found out today Kevins ex gf is pregnant and it probley is his which was a blow to me. I want to be pregnant so badly but it doesnt seem like that is in the plan for me. *Sighs* I hate my life. I really do. Then today at the mall we ran into Tracy which was okay. Me and her talked for a while and I got her caught up on whats been going on since I left Manleys. Tracy was my DM and was pretty cool. Shes part of the reason I quit though as she was the one putting the most pressure on me. Oh well. New topic. Im going to RJs tomorrow so he will leave Mom alone about her coming out there to him. I dont want to go but what else am I going to do when Mom point blank tells me she wants me to go to his place so he will leave her alone. I cant tell her no. Besides I'll make some money out of it which will help buy my ticket to GA. *sighs* I really am a whore. Not where I thought I would be 5 years ago. Of course 5 years ago I thought I would be dead so I guess thats an improvement. You remember in school when you write that essay on where you will be 5 years from then. I wrote mine and said in 5 years I would be dead. Gotta run. post comment

i've decided i hate the way it looks when it says '(no subject)' on the dw subject line [03 Nov 2009|04:12pm] athenemiranda I guess anyone who was ever interested has shifted there already, but Dreamwidth just got awesomer; they now have fifteen icons on free accounts, a search function that kick's LJ's ass, and scans_daily 3.0 is gearing up to open. Invite codes aren't even a big deal - there's an official and highly encouraged codesharing hub, plus they're genning a million zillion of them for the s_d launch. So yeah, if you want to up sticks to dw, do it. I crosspost all my stuff to Dj from there. I am still feeling awkward and under-rockish, more so than ever really; it is NaNo season and everyone is writing and I don't want to NaNo but I sure wish I was in a writing mood. If I was, I'd do what Nakki's doing and aim for 25k, which is at least more realistic for me (I did 26k in a month exactly once, and that was more than enough exhaustion...I'm the agonise-over-every-word-and-comma kinda gal, you know?) So I'm digging around my head for things I want to write about and overthinking them all, when really? That's not what I actually need, either as a creator of things or as a human being. I need to do some living and some reading, because without that, the barrel gets dry. Won't stay that way forever - I have some decent IRL lined up for the first four months of next year - but still. Very not comfy right now, in any world. And All Souls had me thinking, about the understandings of long-dead poets and the things I don't believe about the turn of the year. Tried to write it down, but it didn't want to come out. (Okay, this paragraph is going to make no sense to anyone bar me but) I've been FMing for the first time in, liek, months and got into an amazing Chariot vs Imperatrix bitchwar that had me a) wondering why it isn't canon - that's hugely depressing now I think about it, and b) seeing the Wheel turning in the middle again, diving for the lowside and flipping the rest of the deck down with her. Godfuckingdamn. I also started playing as Minette, which may be the most confusing thing ever (Ac!d: where everyone is at least two different people, sometimes three) but, mmhm, I couldn't resist and yet it needs more space than FM has so I should probably be writing fic. Yuri fic. It's not really lolicon, it just looks that way - oh fuck, fuck, fuck. ... 7 comments|post comment

Weekend recap [02 Nov 2009|07:48am] dahaun Just have time for a quickie this morning. I was up early but spent my time between the bathroom and writing. It's what I do in the mornings--urinate and write. I've been on a roll lately, but it didn't occur to me until this morning to double check the calendar to clarify dates in one of my stories. I was on target, so my memory is still intact and functioning even though I was remembering things that happened 25 years ago, almost half my lifetime ago. It just doesn't seem possible sometimes and others . . . well, it's like it happened in another lifetime. The weekend was busy and quiet and I discovered that I can see Pikes Peak out the bedroom window if I'm pointed in the right direction. I happened to look up while lying across the bed fishing for books fallen between the bed and the wall and saw snow-covered Pikes Peak. I hadn't looked out from that direction before since I tend to lie in bed facing west and not south. It does make a difference. One more critique is history and this one isn't too bad, although the main character is a bit flaky, irresponsible and slobbish for my taste. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a romance or not, but if it is, it is taking a very long time to get to the point. I'm five chapters in, more or less, and the heroine has done nothing but complain, whine, bitch, kvetch and slack. She's modeling her life on Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind and so far, she's not living up to the tempestuous tyrant of Tara at all. She also doesn't act at all like a professional veterinarian ophthalmologist, in my opinion. I'm amazed she got through veterinary school and got a job, come to that. And I won't even go into her fondness for the word slash, which she uses at every possible opening--a lot. Still, there is something there even if it's just a glimmer of a wink of possibility. With one biography down and a pre-post apocalyptic fantasy nearly finished, I'm in good shape review-wise. I've made headway on my new novel and continue to clear up discrepancies and edit a novel in the publisher's editing queue and am generally pleased with my progress. I didn't get any laundry done this weekend, but I have plenty of underwear so I'm safe for another week or so. Trash goes out tonight and I'll probably do a load of towels and vacuum tonight, but otherwise things are under almost completely under control. I love it when work and writing come together without needing me to crash my head against the wall or pull all nighters. I need my sleep, such as it is. There were no trick-or-treaters this year, but I didn't buy any candy or treats so I'm not out anything, except the joy of the spectacle. My landlord did call on Friday to tell me that the police had been called for the neighbor because some of the middle school hooligans kicked out the slats in his picket fence. Mark wanted to know if everything was all right here, but by the time I got the message and called back he already knew I was all right and uninvolved in the fracas. I mentioned the roof again and he told me that one day soon roofers would be here to pull off the shingles and completely reroof the addition. I asked about the dwindling pile of dirt and Mark said he'd have the roofers handle that at the same time, so things here will soon be back to normal, as long as I can talk the roofers into fixing the front door so the winter winds don't have a free pass to the rest of the house through the gaping gaps around the door. I might even be able to stay warm this winter without breaking the bank on the heating bill and lower the budget on the utilities next year. All good things. I miss the golden aspens. There are none near where I live. I also miss the one foot thick walls of the cabin and the solitude, but I miss it less than usual. Too much going on down here to keep me busy and several people clamoring for my writing services waving lots of money at me. I can live with that very well. Looks like the last two months of this year are merely a prelude to a bigger and better 2010, but I can wait. I intend to savor every single day left of this chaotic year. Can't afford to wish away any more time. I'm not twelve going on twenty-one any more. That is all. Disperse. post comment

Halloween [01 Nov 2009|08:33pm] sister_moon [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Christian ] Well yesterday was halloween. All and all it was pretty good. I went trick or treat with Debbie, her kids, Kevin, Beth and her daughter. The walking was hard but I managed to keep up for the most part which was cool. I got candy to which was the best part of the night. Normaly my costume is but I didnt really like my costume this time. I just went as a regular witch which was abnormal for me. Normally I have to have some kind of different costume that you normally wont see. Oh well this year sucked costume wise but oh well. At least I got candy. I watched A Walk to Remember tonight with Debbie and now I have one of the songs stuck in my head. Why is it when I actually want to be left alone to work on something everyone has to bug me and I dont get any alone time. I want to write in here and just zone listening to music but no I have to sign into yahoo so my sister can IM me about shit. And of course the one person I crave to talk to with every fiber of my being isnt on at the moment. And what scares me is its not Jeff I am craving to talk to. Its Soul Catcher. Me and Jeff are broken up and yet we still talk as much as we used to and we still fight just as much. *Screams* So much stuff going on and yet nothing is changing. I thought breaking up with Jeff was supposed to make my life better and so far it hasnt seemed to. Only good thing thats come from it is hes the one who introduced me to Soul Catcher. Shes so cool. I dont know how to explain it but I love talking to her. There is just something about her and I dont know what it is. Im trying to get eveything out of my head and out on here so maybe I can sleep tonight. I doubt it but its worth a shot. I want to cut but I cant. So instead I will write in here till I cant think of anything else to write about. And maybe then I can pass out. I am so fucking stupid its not even funny. I slept with Wolf the other day when Mommy was gone on her date and then when she got home I couldnt lie to her and so I told her what happened and it seems to have destroyed everything and I dont know how to fix it. I wish I could go back in time. I never would have slept with him. *sighs and pulls my hair* I cant believe this. I am listening to christian music at the moment. Im just in a mood and dont know how to explain it. I am sick of the songs I normally listen to. I guess I am just craving the soft music I grew up on. Im looking up different songs as I type this and listen to them as I type. Well it didnt work out with the Ga couple. Something about them just didnt seem right. Or maybe it was just me. I dont know. I just know that I didnt want to do anything they asked. I cant believe I am listening to christian music. I guess a part of me misses the time when I listened to them all the time and didnt have these many cares in the world. Life was so much simpler back then. Yeah back then life sucked too but in comparison when I look back on it, it was nothing. I wanna cry so badly right now. I am doing nothing but kicking myself because of what happened with Wolf. I cant believe I was stupid enough to do that while Mommy was gone. *screams* I wanna cry but I cant. I wanna scream and I cant do that either. I wanna cut but Mommy has my blades and shes not here. She and Jess went to the ER so Jess could have her teeth looked at. I have no clue when she will be back but I dont think I am in the right mindframe to be cutting anyways. My cat Lantis is being a punk again. Hes curled up on the table even though he knows hes not alowed up there. I just let him because I love him as long as he doesnt mess with the keyboard or get between me and the computer screen. Hes my baby boy though and I love him. Why is it that I can write in here but when I sit down and try and write my poetry I cant. Its like I have writers block in my head. At least when it comes to writing poetry. I guess its because with my journal I can just write whatevers in my head no matter what it is. And no one really reads this anyways so it doesnt really matter. Im in a better mood now though. Soul Catcher came online and I am talking to her right now. I really think there is something there. This is the first I have really felt a connection with a female dom and I really like it. I feel like I can talk to her about everything and anything. I even wrote an essay for her and anyone who knows me knows I hate essays. Part of the problem with the GA couple. They wanted me to write essays and I didnt want to and so I did them but not my best like I did for Soul Catcher. I dont know where this will go but I am on for the ride and I am going to stick it out and see where it goes. Im really gonna give my best to this. Now if I could just get the christian music out of my head things would be so much better. Lol. I think a few more songs and I should be good. I dont know what else I want to listen to though. Thats pretty bad when I cant think of any music to listen to. Hmm Oh well I will find something to do. I wonder if I should just go ahead and post this or just keep writing. Im not sure. I think I am running out things to write about. The house is quiet at the moment. Wolf is sleeping and Kevin is on his computer and Mom isnt home. I had to take Nyquil tonight. That stuff is nasty as hell but if it makes my chest stop hurting then it will be worth it. I had a bad experience yesterday with the steak. I was at nikkis and I cut my part of the steak up but I guess I didnt chew it enough cause when I tried to swallow it it got stuck in my throat and I couldnt get it to come back up or go down. I could still breath somewhat and then it totally blocked my breathing and I couldnt breath at all which was scary. I mean yeah I love breath play but when its a piece of food in your throat then its a totally different story. I guess because with breath play you trust the other person not to take it to far and when you have food stuck you dont have that trust. Either you get it out or your gonna die. And even for me thats freaky when you go through it. Well Soul Catcher had to go and I am running out of things to type about for tonight so I am gonna post this and then probley go lay down and try and get some more sleep. I just wish Mommy was home. I hope shes okay and not to bored there. She probley wont get home to till late and as much as I would like to stay up and wait for her I dont think I can. Besides my neck is starting to hurt from sitting in this chair for so long. I hope everyone remembered to set their clocks back last night. Its only 10 oclock at the moment but it feels like 11 cause of the time change. Oh well I am getting off here for now. post comment

Lovely Beltane Fires~ [01 Nov 2009|09:09pm] yj Haha i really really REALLY should change my DJ layout. Esp. since I grew out of lolita for about 2 years or so now. Well, it's Beltane today so it was hot as hell lol. I don't wanna imagine what summer solstice will be like. Haha well I didn't do much as none of my friends follow the craft, I did not get a chance to celebrate by myself, sitting in a nice grassy field drinking and listening to faerie bells. Instead, I decided to stay with my friends indoors and watch some movies and take a break from uni. It's rather hard to not do anything as ever since University has kicked it's way in I feel very weird and guilty for doing absolutely nothing. It always feels like I need to do some work but I really want to just take today off to enjoy myself and soak in the warmth of the day. I got a tarot reading from Sandy yesterday about my career and all. Doing so made me feel as if that I have neglected my own faith for a very long time due to my busy lifestyle so I would like to learn and study more about it during my break. So, hopefully the key is, to stay positive and keep myself busy. I know I will get through it. Well nothing else much to say. It was Hallow's Eve last night in the northern hemisphere, the time when the spirit world is able wander freely on the earth. For me, it was a year ago yesterday i met my boyfried (again). I love you hun~ =) post comment

Beggar's night [31 Oct 2009|06:45pm] dahaun Tonight, tonight is beggar's night. Don't be stingy and give them a bite -- or two. I added the "or two" and changed it to them, but that is the rhyme Dad taught me when he took me out on my first Halloween a half-century ago. Sounds like a long time, but those memories are still as fresh as the night we dressed up and went on our first rounds. This year I didn't buy candy because last year I ended up with too much candy and quite a few caramel apples when no one came. My porch light was on, but I haven't seen a single ghost, goblin, ghoul or princess since I moved here, or anywhere in the neighborhood since I moved to the Springs. Parents take their kids to shopping malls and schools to do their trick-or-treating or to parties where I doubt they still bob for apples; they don't take them around the neighborhood. How I miss that. Someone sent me a Halloween gift, a coffin from the vampire club, and I'd like to thank them. Whoever you are, thank you. You made my Halloween brighter and a little bit more special. As the moon rises full and bright in the dark sky and passes towards the far horizon, the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead thins and ghosts pass into our world. Treat them gently and feed them well, but let them go before the morning sun rises to dispell the dream. They are only here for one night. When we feed the apparitions who come to the door, we honor the dead and feed them. Tonight I honor my father who loved Halloween as much as I and imparted a joy and happiness every day of the year with his stories and jokes and his ever present smile and laughter. Happy Halloween, Dad. 2 comments|post comment

making sense of everything [31 Oct 2009|12:33pm] swtangelofhell maybe it's been too long since i've been in a serious, meaningful relationship when vicky said that she felt like she failed at creating a relationship, i thought, "how can you fail at a relationship? it can't be your fault if there is something inherently wrong with the relationship. you guys just weren't ready" but what if you are. ready that is. when you're ready and the other person isn't. when you're so ready to leave the materialistic world and share your deepest darkest secrets with another person. ready to share with them all the little tidbits that makes you special and hope that they see how fun and amazing your little world is too. sharing your little world with a certain special someone. and you're just so fucking ready. i think that's why i feel like i failed right now because i feel like i could've prevented myself into getting too deep into something that wasn't deep enough. i feel like i've been cheated out on something special. i feel like i gave it my all, i tried to better myself and him, and i tried so fucking hard to just understand why it was that made him treat me like that. and in the midst of it, you forget the one simple detail. maybe he just isn't ready. maybe he isn't ready to give his all into that one special person. maybe he just hasn't gotten to the point in his life where everything doesn't matter, but as long as you can share it with someone it suddenly does. suddenly the world matters when you have that special someone beside you. he used to tell me this, almost verbatim. tell me that he believed in it, but for some reason it sounded like he was talking about someone else. someone else in the distant future but not me. me the one who was sitting in front of him, crying over spilled milk. maybe not spilled milk. maybe spilled milk to him, but to me, it was everything. it was questioning why me, why me. why did i have to endure the pain. why did it seem like i was nothing, meaningless. why was it that i made all my significant others love me so dearly that this one won't? what went wrong? where have i changed? why did i fail? but is it failure? no, of course not. the world moves on without you, there are plenty of oppurtunities to meet new people. but you look back and you wonder, why did i miss such a fundamental reason why it didn't work? are all college relationships headed to failure? are all college boys really just looking for the same thing, a quick lay? no. at least it can't be all of them. but why can't i find one who cares enough to listen to me? and believe in me? and take inspiration from me, enough to show him his own shortcomings and become better? why me? why can't i have someone to share with? is it so hard to put away your pride and take away your selfishness to share it with someone else? why is everyone here so selfish? why can't people just start listening to each other instead of looking for the next moment to retaliate? how does this world continue to run if everyone is just out to get each other? why didn't it work? why couldn't he take the blame into his own hands and make it better. why didn't he bother trying? why does he take a defeatist attitude immediately after i show him his shortcomings. i sit there and ask him why he does it to me, and he walks away. how can i have a relationship with someone who doesn't love me as much as i love him? how can i have a relationship with someone who has the family and support that i want and need, but i can't have, because he can't even share that small support with me? post comment

First Thing I Remember, Last Thing Left on My Mind [30 Oct 2009|12:18am] unusaantianarch [ mood | okay ] [ music | Jesus Christ - Brand New ] well, about that homework thing... yeah. an essay and a summary review to do. i can't even bring myself to do it. it's 12:20. i got back here a little after 11. took a shower. sweet Jesus, it's so fucking weird. all the steps i did when i had my hair are gone. so very weird. very weird. ok, i know what the essay's on. commodity fetish and Venus' shop. got that far. fuck. blah! i just can't do it. i'm really stressed. i know it. i'm becoming even more stressed each day. i have had this sentiment for a while now. break should be 2 weeks. 1 to do what you want to do, and one to just relax. i never really feel relaxed after coming back form a break. maybe it'll be different over Thanksgiving? maybe over Christmas? who knows. it's raining. the room is very warm, despite the open window. there is not really a breeze. the air is not moving. and here i sit. waiting for some motivation or some revelation to come. and it sure as hell is not. got the bottle of whiskey besides me, hoping that when i open it, the smell alone will make me relax. who knows. ok. sometimes i love iTunes Genius. this is one of those moments. it just played "Work" by Jimmy Eat World, not it's "Graduate" by Third Eye Blind. wow. trying to tell me something? i should get that work done. no free time today. nopps. give the design for my next tattoo to Mike at Tattalatte. it's another hymn line i'm getting on my back. i've decided i'm reserving the back for religiously connected stuff, namely hymns. this one is the first line of "Lo, How a Rose" in German. i could really go for some company right now. or a drive. car tire's flat. getting it in to the dealership tomorrow. until then, i ain't gonna pump it up in the rain until i have to. blah. so very, very much to do. losing all patience, time, and any vague sense of relaxation. i'm extremely tensed up. i'll get it done. i know i will. but when? maybe i should hit the hay now and get it done tomorrow? let's see how that works out, shall we? let's give it a whirl. adios. post comment

Treading memory's waters [28 Oct 2009|08:42am] dahaun Snow a couple days ago and snow again this morning, off and on under such a dirty gray sky the sun cannot be seen. It's probably hiding or taking a vacation or just isn't strong enough this morning to clean the celestial windows. Whatever the reason, I am grateful for the soft white fall of autumn's ashes softening the ragged edges of the summer's bounty that drags the remaining ragged flags of brown, desiccated leaves from the skeletal trees. Like most men going bald, the trees look better clean and trimmed of delusions of summer. That's what evergreens are for with their year-round proof that the world is sometimes green. A faint scent of coconut milk and jasmine tea lingers in the house this morning and an empty bowl sits on the nightstand why I write this. I've been up since before five and have spent most of the morning lingering among people I haven't seen for almost thirty years, remembering and adding insights from a distant where I am sufficiently divorced from the fear and feelings of hopelessness that I can see what I was hidden and overlaid with chaotic emotions. I've added things I didn't know at the time and used things I heard after the fact to springboard back into the deep end of time's waters to make a better story. Although the book could be considered memoir, I've decided to let fiction carry the weight of memory and experience and set myself free to imagine what was and could have been. spikesleman reminded me that I should be writing and finishing this book so I can submit it to the publisher anxiously and patiently waiting for me to get on with it. She's made her first submission and is feeing quite vindicated that it ended in rejection, but there's nothing to feel vindicated about. Try the same publisher in a few months or a year and the response could be very different, acceptance instead of rejection. Rejection is such a hard and hurtful word to the writer dipping a toe in professional waters. Don't take it personally. It could have been a bad day and everyone got rejected without a reading or the editor or editor's assistant decided that everyone gets a rejection without being read because they were tired from too much Halloween candy that will never make it to the beggar's bowl. Editors are people and rejections subjective. It's no reason to quit writing or submitting. Remember all the best selling authors who couldn't even get arrested for flagrant grammar violations before someone took a chance and published their work. Now they're free to promiscuously pad their word counts with adjectives, dangling modifiers and split infinitives to their hearts' content. Oh, well, c'est la vie écrire. Such is the writing life. And to my writing life I shall return to wallow in companionship and alienation and abandonment just like the real thing. It's one of those weeks. That is all. Disperse., post comment

[27 Oct 2009|10:33pm] randomousity [ mood | lonely ] An ever ending game of tag. I run and seek and hope to find. And in finding, I grow so eager! Only to have the chase start again. I am weary of holding only pieces and being told: "be content!" while I lay what pieces I have at other's feet and am told: "it is not enough!" where is my solace? Where is my comfort? To be found only in my arms. I yearn to have that openness that accepts all I am and all I can give, rather than shunning me for what I am not and what I cannot offer. But the simple understanding of another, that is not to be. post comment

Update [27 Oct 2009|09:10pm] sister_moon [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Red Water by Rehab ] Well its almost offical. I am going to Ga for christmas. All thats left is buying my ticket which I am doing at the begining of the month. Part of me is excited and part of me dreads it. This will be the first christmas without my grandmother then and I dont know if I will be able to bear it. *Sighs* This sucks. On to other news. I went to the dentist today and I have to have another tooth pulled. I am so excited. NOT. This makes 12 teeth in a year and a half. Joy. Oh well nothing I can do about it. They are talking about getting me partial dentures. Lovely. Anyways. My sister is being a bitch again but thats nothing new. I broke up with Jeff because I couldnt handle all the arguing and fighting and it was just to much. I dont have the strength to handle it anymore. On the other hand I have been talking to a couple lately that seem pretty cool. Hopefully I will get to meet them when I go to GA for christmas. Dont know yet. RJ is still giving me a hard time but he doesnt seem to get it in his head that I dont want to be with him. Yeah the money was okay but it just wasnt worth it. I really have to learn to update this journal more often but I never seem to be able to do it. Of course after having this damn thing so long why would I change my ways now. No one reads it anymore cause I go so long without writing in it. *shrugs* Me and Kevin are back on good terms even if he does annoy me at times. I need a spell check on here I know. Oh well my spelling sucks. Thats nothing new. Halloween is in 4 days. Hopefull this year it will be good. Im supposed to go out tick or treating with Debbie and her kids and then I am going to Nikkis house and going trick or treating as well with her so I should get lots of candy which will be cool. Of course if I lose anymore teeth I wont be able to eat candy anymore which would just suck. Like I could go without eating candy. Please. Not me. I dont eat a lot at a time but I like having my candy drawer. Its cool having a drawer all to myself. of course I do share my candy. I just like collecting it and having it when I need something. I got McDonalds tonight which was cool. Kevin bought it cause he owed me McDonalds. Well I havent been doing much of anything lately. I havent picked up a book in so long now its insane. And my writing is even worse. I havent been able to write anything lately. I just have no interent in anything anymore. Robyn thinks its cause of my depression and I am starting to agree with her. My depression is getting worse not better. I am at the point I wanna cut everyday and I am trying so hard to not cut. Last time I cut I slit my wrist part way just to see the blood. I am listening to a song called Red Water and it makes me so sad. But it makes me jealous as well. It talks about a man laying in a bathtub of red water and it being the first and last time he relaxed and I think that fits me so well. But I cant do it. I promised Mommy I would stick around for her but sometimes its just so hard. I just want to scream and keep screaming. But I cant. I have to act like everything is okay and its not. And i dont know how to make it okay anymore. I have no clue what I am going to do with my life. That worries me and scares me at times. Wow this is the longest I have writen in a while. Hopefully I will be able to start working on my poetry again. I doubt it but maybe. I have to write an essay for the couple and that sucks but oh well. It wont have as much in it as this does. I just have no clue what to write for them. Gonna go write what I can then come back to this. Well I finished writing it. It wasnt very long but it was the best I could do. Its 10 o'clock here and I crave the blade. Of course the music I am listening to isnt really helping but oh well. No other interesting music on at the moment. I really like the new song by Kelly Clarkson. Already Gone. I sent it to Jeff. Oh well. Red Water is back on again. Well I am slowly running out of things to type about. Mommy is rolling ciggs and I am just being bored. I feel like shit so I will probley head to bed soon. I still have to make my bed. Shit. Oh well. I'll just throw the blankets on the bed. I have to go see my councilor tomorrow. Yay. Not. Its just a waste of my time and I really dont want to go but I have to. I see my dr next week and I gotta get him to change my meds cause the ones I am on now just arent working. Not if my depression is hitting the levels its been hitting lately. I might as well not be taking it for all the good its doing. I wanna change my hair around again or do something different with it. Maybe I'll dye it purple next time I get some money. Im not alowed to cut it but oh well. Ill think of something. Well I am gonna go ahead and end this and go have a cigg. post comment

"Ivory Lines Lead" [27 Oct 2009|12:29am] unusaantianarch [ mood | mellow ] [ music | Postal Service, Death Cab, Her Space Holiday, Stars ] so, i'm sitting here. thinking i'm gonna hit the hay soon. i'd love to have a beer with a friend right now. and be existential... or something. just... relaxed. questioning. asking about the pointlessness that so many things in life seem to hold these days. i won't be satisfied drinking alone. but i'm looking for a specific type of person, not to push off any other friends. the apartment is getting really bloody hot. slightly annoying. Grease is coming along quite well. pretty much have it memorized. going to be in another play. oh god. where did my life go? November is going to be a bitch, except for that all-to-brief week between the 21-28th. lots and lots of work to get done. don't see the point in much of the class time. it's not assisting my paper or my intrigue in the subject/anything... so what's the point? back to the topic of Grease, i got my fitting done today. my suit for the dance is fucking awesome! it's the red, patterned, wool thing. it's fucking svweet. and then tomorrow, i'm getting my hair lopped off! it should look something like this: http://imagecache5.art.com/p/LRG/7/791/DPCI000Z/elvis-presley.jpg. ...hopefully. i'm gonna miss my luscious locks. moving on. this weekend was awesome. really. the concert was great. seeing Clare was great. it wasn't awkward at all. and that we brought up moments we shared together in conversation made it even better. the good memories. it was very nice. saturday, hung out with Val, finally. that was nice to see her. then that night i hung with Phoenix. also, a great person to see. also hung with Matt, Christina, Cliff, and some other folks. went over to Matt's after wand watched Blade Runner. it was quite good. then sunday, took Clare to Dunkin' Donuts. wish we had gone for a real breakfast. wish i knew earlier that rehearsal was canceled. oh well. it was a good weekend. i was quite happy with it. the aforementioned week needs to get here sooner. i don't know if i can wait that long. and, i must admit, i am excited about the haircut. aaaalso, i can't wait to get back to York! dude! it'll be awesome. i got my camera this weekend! yay! it's still amazing. meep! gonna be Jack Daniel for Halloween. need a jacket. Fri = choir dress rehearsal, then golf Sat = choir concert, then Phi Psi Sun = panic over homework, daylight savings ends (heads up!), rehearsal, ...other stuff? blah. yapps. life. it's happening. gonna hit the hay. good weekend. g'night. adios. post comment

trufax: [25 Oct 2009|09:47am] athenemiranda Dee dropped me off for an interview a couple of days ago, and as I was getting out of the car, she said; 'Just be yourself.' Pause. 'The sweet one, that is.' 4 comments|post comment

C'est la vie et la vie à écrire [24 Oct 2009|10:23pm] dahaun I have never been so frustrated in my whole life, but I'm young yet. After going over some changes suggested by one of my critique partners, a whole section of new writing was lost. I finally found it in an old file and it took a while to find the right place to insert it. I've decided to lengthen the story by spinning out more of the time, adding details and back story. The book is better for it, but it's still frustrating to have to keep going over the same territory so many times. This is my least favorite part of writing -- rewriting and the seemingly endless editing. I wish I could simply write a book and not have to go over it more than once with the editor, but(the writing life). In the rest of my life, things are moderately out of whack because I've spent so much time in my writing life, but there are worse ways to live. The lines between lives have been pretty blurred lately, but that is temporary -- I hope. Judy from Mountain Mama's deli called me today to tell me she had read the first three chapters of one of my works in progress twice. She said there were lots of hooks and she wanted to know when she could expect more chapters -- like tomorrow. She's worried the heroine isn't going to make it and will come to a bad end. I've decided to keep her in the dark. If she's interested enough to read it twice and demand more chapters, then it's a good bet publishers will do the same. She did mention that one of my characters is very spiritual and it's odd that I didn't see that aspect of the character. It happens sometimes when a writer is too close to the story. It's a good thing, though, since that means the characters are evolving while I take dictation. I received the last pages of the horrible novel from the Italian author who writes chapter long monologues and I'm so glad. Thirty-three more pages to go and I'm done with him. Elaine told me that when she started doing critiques she knew she'd have at least one good manuscript in every 25, now it's more like 1 in 75. Since this is my first one, I have 73 more bad manuscripts to go. Oh, joy! Fringe is off the air for another two weeks and that's another reason I don't like commercial television. I'd rather wait until the series is over and on DVD. Then I can watch the whole thing and curse the producers and networks for canceling the show just when it's getting good and leaving the characters--and me--hanging. After all, it is all about me and networks should take that into consideration. I'm also waiting for the other three Doctor Who special movies that were promised at the beginning of the year. So far, there has been only one and the BBC never said anything about the Highlander and "The Gathering." Well, that's enough for now. I have an autobiography to read and review and the last pages of the Italian's manuscript to critique and I'd like to get a little sleep tonight. With the way things have been going, I'll probably get very little sleep. That is all. Disperse. post comment

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