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Morning of possibilities and promise [22 Dec 2009|08:06am] dahaun Gold washes everything it touches and the blue is that heartbreaking color that echoes deep inside. A wash of white clouds like ghosts drift by barely moving, a moment frozen in time, except for the busy squirrels running races across the pointed tops of the palisade fence next door. The bare coiled bulb of the energy efficient light is the only thing that mars the serene perfection outside the window, making the dream less real. The moments tick by. It's one of those Sundays when I'd rather hole up with a book and not face the laundry or the trash or work, but those are the chores that define my life most days and I wonder when I can give up the rat race and plunge into a life of research and writing that has nothing to do with the wage slavery that has kept my head enough above water so I don't drown. I can never give up, but I can have plans, and I do. I read a post about Nora Roberts and her non-literary ventures and that is what I think all successful writers should do -- branch out. Nora owns a gallery, B&B and bookstore in the little town near where she lives. She's not sitting on her laurels or thinking about all the money she's earned that she'll never live long enough to spend. Instead, she's putting a lot back into the community and giving other writers and artists places for their voices to be heard. That's the kind of legacy to leave, not just collected literary works, but a living legacy that keeps living long after the writer is gone. I've known a few writers like that. Andre Norton had her genre library and her door was open to everyone, fans and writers alike. Marion Zimmer Bradley put out a monthly magazine and helped discover some of the leading writers in fantasy and science fiction. Andre did the same thing, what the industry called her charity cases, but those charity cases include Susan Shwartz, Mercedes Lackey, and C. J. Cherryh, among many others. It was important to give something back, and for those writers and a handful of others, they gave back a lot, nurtured budding careers and helped writers find their niche and voices. As we move into the season of giving, I am reminded that I need to give more, but not to the point that there is nothing left for me. It does no one any good if I am dissatisfied with my own output because I have given so much to others. Balance must be maintained and balance is hard sometimes, like this morning when all I want to do is wallow in words and images and books. The faint wash of ghost clouds has almost moved out of sight and the sky is once again deep Colorado blue, a color promises bright sunshine and fresh air and possibilities. I want to be out there, and I will be, but the chores must come first. I'll hold the image in check, a bonus for getting the work done first, a reward for tasks accomplished and balance achieved. It is one of those mornings. post comment

[21 Nov 2009|06:46pm] athenemiranda Got done mailing out S3 prompts. All 40 of them. I had a spreadsheet. It was hideous, like playing Spaces with twincest and crackships. Normal service will be resumed shortly, I fucking hope. post comment

Not everyone is Indecisive for the same reason..... [21 Nov 2009|12:38pm] pendor [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Stone Sour - Inside the Cynic ] I did something really bad. I mean like REALLY, REALLY bad. I think I killed someone. Before they even knew it. Let me explain.... No there is too much, let me sum up... There is a dating site. A site that ISN'T like that prejudice, christian fundamentalist e-fucking-harmony. It caters to a sub-culture of people who are.... well, let's just say more introvert than others. Not important.... Anyway, I am on this site, and got to talking with a girl, and on her profile she answers the questions "Have Kids" No, "Want Kids?" I don't know. Now, she is not some twenty something. And I've learned that parenthood, if not expected, is at least a big topic for thirty-somethings. So, we started talking about kids, and how she was still undecided. And as we all know, I am stoutly against having children. Well, the discussion went on and on, and we got to a point where she was starting to be more mono-syllabic, and vauge. And I HATE that. My Ex used to respond to 4 page e-mails with "Ok then" or "Oh, I see" or "That's nice" and it burned me up. But, this woman wasn't doing just to piss me off, like my ex. She was actually trying to avoid something. So, I delicately stop the conversation and proded her to tell me what was wrong. And she said that a few years ago she had a miscarriage. And that he main reason for not really sure about wanting kids was the possibility of going through that painful experience again. My reply was, "Oh. Um. Really." Oh, great. Now I''m doing it! I didn't really know what to say. Here I was blabbing on about fate, and karmic imperative, and the fear and responsability of the life of another, and she was more about dealing with the LOSS of life rather than the reasons for it. But, then she said something else. To Quote, "...but, you make a good point. everythhing that my child would do is directly attached to me as both a genetic parent and a guardian parent. And there is no telling if those 2 halfs are going to create a positive life." No exactly what I was saying, but it was a another sub-point that must have been in my argument. What if the child has a personality flaw that is genetic, or bio-chemical or whatever, that is incompatible with the lessons you are trying to teach. Like instead of teaching the child the miracle of life, the only point they get out of it, is how fragile life is and how easily another can take it away. Yeah, scarey stuff. You may be just pouring gasoline on a fire that is just a match at this point. And through no fault of your own, you are building a better bad person. Even while trying to teach them good things. This apparently was the straw that broke her child-bearing camel's back, and she has decided not to have children. I gave her a different point of view that scared her, and I turned this once happily pregnant would-be mother, into a cynical proponent of the 2 person family. I have no doubt that had no one shown her this scarey side, she would have tried to have a child again. I don't know how I feel about that. Taking someone from middle of the road to my side of a debate. OK. That's good intellectual discussion. But, taking someone who was once about to be a parent, then turning them against it. That's more than I think I should be doing. -Pendor "Perhaps I should me more sensitive to people's points of view." post comment

irl: [19 Nov 2009|05:04am] athenemiranda -why yes, we are moving, sometime in the middle of December probably -I have a Christmas retail job that starts, I think, in about a week (they haven't told me yet) and, barring spectacular forthcoming fail which you all know I am very capable of, a proper job that starts in January -the housemate I want to dismember with a chainsaw found a lost dog, a female Jack Russell who is surprisingly dear in spite of being a Jack Russell. She seems well-cared for so we're holding on to her and waiting to see if lost dog posters go up someplace nearby. Nothing on Craigslist yet. M has already asked if he can keep her. My answer was 'no'. I do not like small dogs though this one does have an endearing way of licking my face. -I have been in a giant writing rut and am trying to ease out of it but I'm not even sure the writing was ever the problem, if you get me. Still. Managed 700 words one day lately so YAY. (And even that was split between bad OF and revoltingly fluffy FFIII fic.) I am running the Secret Santa thing for my fandom this year, so hopefully starting on my own contribution to that will help me out. I just. Need this thing. A thing. Which would so totally be in arm's reach if I were in London. I shall have to connive Z into putting it into the post for me - fortunately it weighs very little, and I am sure it would enjoy the trip. -yeah, I doubt the writing is the problem. There's something about November that usually makes me feel completely dead inside. All Souls is never enough. (But will it ever be enough?) -if I'm not talking to you I'm probably just embarrassed of how very fucking little I have to say. I mean. If I had thoughts and feelings lately, I'd be writing or something. It's all 5P and desert gods here. 3 comments|post comment

Self-serving promotions [18 Dec 2009|11:54am] dahaun A little while ago I received another review of Past Imperfect from Night Owl Romance and it's a good one. Here's the money shot: One thing about Diana is that she is one determined lady and no matter what the problem is she prevails. These are three people with so many obstacles yet one chance for one of them to find their true love. I just loved it. That's 4.5 out of 5 stars. I can live with that. That is all. Disperse. post comment

Watching for cars [18 Dec 2009|07:43am] dahaun It's one of those golden mornings when the sun comes up and lights up a clear Colorado blue sky and I wish I was higher up in the mountains where the air is clear and I'm not snotting and sneezing all the time. I don't have nearly as many problems with allergens when I'm higher up and away from all the pollution and citified air. In order to get back there, I have to spend more time working down here, but I'll get there. I had an interesting chat with someone I've known most of my life and had a crush on when I was younger: Scott Haney. His mother and mine were best friends and we both grew up thinking we were cousins, so the combination of shyness and familial taboo kept us both from saying that we liked each other. Finding out he had a crush on me was a surprise, but a pleasant one. Of the three Haney boys, he was my favorite. Paul, Jr, the oldest, was too focused on himself and Johnny, the youngest, was too goofy. Scott in the middle was not only the tallest but the best in my eyes. Scott asked me if I remembered a time when he went out and laid down in the street to prove to me he was strong and brave by letting a car drive over him. I do remember and I remember being amazed and scared. I also thought he was incredibly stupid, if brave. He didn't live on a busy street so he didn't get his wish, but the gesture was enough--for me. Scott and his wife Annie have been married for thirty years and they seem very well suited to each other and happy, which makes me happy. He got off to a rocky start and he's having a lot of physical problems now, due to his rock start, but he deserves to be happy and I'm glad that he is. That's one thing I've noticed. Even when I've been interested in someone or had a crush, when I find out that they found the right partner and are happy and content with their life, it gives me hope for the future and that I'll find the right partner and happiness of my own. Until then, I am content to be closer than ever to my dreams coming true and being able to write makes everything so much better. I can see the change and evolution of my own writing as I let more and more of myself out into the open. There are still a few things I keep close to the vest, but fewer than before. It's a difficult process and one that is filled with challenges for me because I learned a long time ago to guard my heart to minimize the damage caused by others. I've found I'm not unique in this and several other people in my family do the same thing. It's hard to put myself out there and trust people--or specifically one person--when I keep end up getting hurt and my emotions and heart trampled. People who only care enough to share their news and their troubles but never ask about mine remind me how much I still need to keep aloof and not allow myself to be someone else's emotional battery, boosting them when they are feeling ignored and dismissed in their own families. Just because no one listens to you at home is no reason to run to me for an emotional boost because I care, especially if it means the only time you do show up is when you want something and never think to ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling. It's selfish and uncaring and completely egocentric. That makes you the same as the people who marginalize, ignore and dismiss you. It's like a virus you keep passing around. It's sad and it makes me want to disconnect from all communication because I can only give so much without getting a little something back. That's the thing about relationships. They work best when there are two people involved, like Scott and Annie. Scott had several surgeries on his back and is completely disabled, so Annie went back to school to get a nursing degree so she could pick up the slack. Scott designs and builds long bows and recurves, but he mostly stays at home and handles things there because he cannot work. He told me he and Annie get up together in the morning and when she leaves for work he goes back to bed for a while before getting up and taking care of things around the house and with his own projects. They are a team. When he was sidelined, she took point. That's the kind of relationship everyone should have instead of a relationship where one person carries all the weight and the other coasts and whines when they don't get everything they think they should have, and end up berating and blaming the other person for not working harder or doing more or giving up more so they aren't put out. Relationships should be a two-way street, like the relationships I have with critique partners and friends. I give. They give. We all benefit and the relationships grow stronger. It's like a plant. Without water, sun and nourishment, the plant dies. Too much of any one element, or too little, and the plant cannot survive. Sometimes the plant needs more sun, a shuffling of nutrients and less water, but you adjust and give the plant what it needs to flourish. It's all about paying attention and being aware of what's needed -- like being ready to pull someone you care about out of the street when a car is coming. Strangely enough, Scott was ready to get up and out of the way if a car did come, but it was the gesture that counted, and I was impressed eve though I did think he was a little bit stupid. post comment

The Good and the Bad [15 Nov 2009|06:54pm] unusaantianarch [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Here Is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls, Everything You Want - VH ] sitting here. good things: officially a brother. i should've done this sooner. i am so happy with they fraternity. i love those guys and i'm really happy to call them brothers. the bad things, though, are overwhelming this. i have a friend who i really wanna help whose situation reminds me a lot of my own. and i don't know what to say or do. and i feel like i'm not helping as much as i could. i'm still hungover from yesterday. i was up to 6. yeah. not doing that again for a while. i have so much work. but i'm not getting any of it done. i was looking at some pictures online and now i just feel kinda sad, kinda lonely, kinda left behind. and i just don't know what to do to heal. i was doing so well. but i'm still breaking down inside. and i just don't know where to go. good thing: Chrissy is coming on saturday. i can't wait! that'll be something good. something changing. it'll make so many things better. starting on a new page. a new chapter. yeah. there's so much more that i don't know how to express here. i just-- yeah. adios. post comment

Working through the Storm.... [14 Nov 2009|10:09am] pendor [ mood | exanimate ] [ music | Men at Work - Overkill ] The brunt of the storm has passed. It was a torrent of uncertainty and debate. I was told that I was being let go on the 13th, and that they would want to keep using my services as a consultant. The perception by management was that I would continue to be on-call whenever they need me, and they only need to pay me when I'm on-site. Wrong. I made them aware of everything I do as a salaried Network Engineer, and which of those duties (about 60% of them) they would loose when I went to Consultant status. Also, made them realize, I was NOT going to be sitting around next to the phone waiting for them to call. I can't live on a speculative income based on when they "might" need me. I would working full-time somewhere else, and I'll do consulting for them in my off-time just like any of my other clients. That means, if their network crashes at 11am, Oh, well.... not my fault, I'll be there after I clock out of my REAL job at 5pm. This gave them pause. They don't realize exactly how much it's worth to have someone to call anytime, and have them respond, until it's about go away. Not to mention, as a consultant I would totally "reactive". Meaning only coming in once something is broken. They would loose most, if not all, of my "proactive" advantages. All the stuff I do every day to stop crashes and failures from happening altogether. This doesn't mean that at some point when money is tighter they won't re-visit this possibility. But, at least I know where I stand better, and it gives me time to plan for it. And little do they realize, it is possible that the next time they give me a lay-off deadline, I might not be so quick to accept a last minute reprieve. I mean, I love my job. I love the company, the people, the atmosphere, the work, everything. But, I'm going to keep job shopping, and get prospects lined up. One can not keep telling the dog he's going to be killed, only to change your mind at the last second, and still expect it not to try to escape. I understand the need to cut expenses, and that even to non-technical personnel my job may seem one they can do without. But, I dedicate my life to my job. Everything else revolves around it. So when you threaten to take that away, you aren't just taking my job, you are throwing my life into chaos. I hate that. So, do it enough, and I'll stop being the loyal dog you can threaten, and still expect me to hunt. -Pendor "Maybe I get too invested in my work, but that's what makes it fun for me." post comment

Artists Plead for Charles Manson's Freedom [14 Dec 2009|08:49am] dahaun The music and arts communities were stunned by the arrest of Charles Manson in Switzerland upon his arrival to pick up a lifetime achievement award. Manson's close personal friend and assistant stated, "If we had known Charlie would be arrested, he never would have gone." Charles Manson was convicted of conspiracy to commit murder in the deaths of Sharon Tate, who was 8-1/2 months pregnant at the time, Polanski's friend Wojciech Frykowski, friend and former lover, Jay Sebring, noted hairstylist, and Frykowski's friend and lover, Abigail Folger,the Folger coffee heiress. On the following night, Manson's friends, dubbed the "Manson Family," brutally murdered Leno and Rosemary LaBianca in their home. Thousands of artists, writers and those in the music industry have rallied to Manson's defense, calling his extradition to the United States a miscarriage of justice. "He has suffered over the past 38 years. His genius has illuminated the world and it is a travesty that he must be treated in this fashion," said Virgin Records founder Richard Branson. The outpouring of support includes the creative artists from every country, including the United States. Whoopi Goldberg said, "It wasn't murder-murder." During an interview, Gore Vidal was quoted as saying, "Those were different times. The drugs, the alcohol, and Sharon Tate parading nude in movies were all part of a deadly emotional Molotov cocktail. Charlie wasn't even there that night." In 1971 while awaiting sentence, Charles Manson fled the United States. Since that time, he has written songs for some of the most celebrated groups and singers in the world, living an exemplary life and donating millions to charities to end world hunger and repeal the death penalty. Polanski, Sharon Tate's husband, said he doesn't want to rake up the past. "The past is the past. I have moved on with my life and would prefer not to have to relive those days again." In 1995, Manson paid Polanski one million dollars and offered Polanski an apology for the murders done in his name. Manson awaits extradition in neutral Switzerland and his appeals to be set free on bond have been denied as he is considered a flight risk. His lawyer's appeals on the strength of Manson's record of public service and the body of his work, acknowledged by most as genius, have also been denied. Although Manson was to have received the Swiss award for lifetime achievement, the Swiss government refuses to set him free. In response, the artistic community have gathered to demand Manson's freedom and many have pleaded with the U.S. government to vacate the extradition order, to no avail, and in spite of Polanski's plea that Manson be set free. Manson's plight continues to be an emotional issue for those for and against his return to the United States to face sentencing and the outpouring of support from the artistic community continues. /satire. post comment

Life [11 Nov 2009|10:10pm] sister_moon [ mood | blank ] [ music | Vermillion 2 ] I have no clue what to write. Im listening to Bellas Lullaby from Twilight. Its a very cool song. Very mellow and fits my mood perfectly. I am not in the best of moods but most people who know me would say thats nothing new. Which is really isnt. Im just tired and Im tired of being tired. Theres nothing to do though in this house but watch tv or be on the computer and I get so bored with things online after a while. *sighs* Im worried about going to GA. Yeah it will be good to see my family but all the drama thats going on is going to make it difficult. I wish my grandmother had never passed away then things would still be normal. You know I still forget sometimes that shes gone and I will think to call her then I have to remember that she wont ever answer my phone calls again and its like this wall breaking inside me and I cant handle it. I want her back so much but I know thats never gonna happen and that kills me inside. You know this will be the first christmas without and thats gonna be hard enough but lets just make it worse with half the family not talking to the other half. *Sighs* Why cant they mature and realize what they are doing to the rest of us. All I wanna do right now is cut and thats why this entry wont be to long cause I need to take my ass to bed before I do something stupid. I would love to do something stupid but I know I cant. I wanna do something to myself before I go back to GA like get a tattoo or a piercing. Something new and different. Its been a while since Ive had anything done and maybe the pain will help me as well. *sighs* I dont know. I need to start walking again and maybe that will give me something to do. The temp needs to warm up a bit though first. 28 days till I go to GA. Blah. Kevin showed me how to download ringtones to my phone which is majorly cool. I downloaded Grandma got run over by a reindeer just for Kevin. lol. I put down for Jeff Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson. Im worried because I am sinking really low in my depression and its not a good thing. Well I am gonna head to bed. Night. post comment

Bouquets of yellow cactus flowers [11 Dec 2009|07:32am] dahaun First, I'd like to say 'thank you' to all the military veterans who have kept our country and most of the world safe, often giving their lives. My father was a veteran as were many of my relatives. One cousin even survived the Bataan Death March during World War II. On this day of all days, I honor and thank you. Today is my oldest son's birthday. He's 36 today. Happy birthday, David Scott. To xjenavivex's son, whose 11th birthday is today, happy birthday to you, too. Today is also my best friend Chili Bob's birthday. He got his card, but I'd like to add a Happy Birthday and thank you for being you wish for his 62nd anniversary on this planet. Chili Bob is an amazing man and it turns out we are related distantly by Princess Nopee who was an Algonquin back during the days of Puritans coming to this country. Chili Bob is also related to the Bourbons, the family that ruled France right up to the end when King Louis XVI and Queen Marie Antoinette were beheaded. Their children survived, as did many of the rest of the family, and Chili Bob is a direct descendant. Since he and I are distantly related that makes me related to the kings of France. Pretty cool when you get right down to it. One more item up on the calendar today is my interview with Lisa Haselton. It has gone live and is waiting to be read. This is a morning of contrasts. I'm sitting here eating fresh organic strawberries that taste better than any I've had in a long time, simply delicious, and I'm looking at a gift for my aunt. She loves to garden and has a beautiful back yard garden in which she says she cannot place a single flower or plant, so I'm looking at flowering plants to send her for the holidays and I find Christmas cacti and it takes me back to a Christmas cactus my father loved. That Christmas cactus had beautiful yellow flowers and he was very proud of it. My middle son Eddie was about two years old and he was entranced by the flowers, drawn to them, and he stared at them for minutes at a time, which is amazing when you consider his age. One afternoon all the beautiful yellow flowers disappeared from the cactus and reappeared in a dirty little hand offered to me. Eddie decided to give me a gift of flowers. Dad wasn't amused and he wasn't happy about it, and he never let me forget that my son destroyed his cactus. Eddie was devastated and cried his broken little heart out, but I defended him. He didn't know that the flowers weren't like the ones in the garden that could be pulled and would grow back. They were the only flowers in the house that winter and it made sense to him to give them to his Mom. It didn't make sense to Dad. The cactus bloomed again and kept blooming every year, but Dad never forgot the year Eddie plucked its flowers--nor have I. Of all the bouquets and flowers I've received, those golden cactus blooms are my favorites. Now I'm contemplating giving a Christmas cactus to my aunt and I wonder if I should give her the gardenias or something else and give the cactus to Beanie who is so much like Dad. She has most of his plants and she doubtless remembers the story of Eddie's bouquet. It will mean more to her than to my aunt even though my aunt is Dad's sister. As I eat my warming strawberries and look at flowering gifts to send to a cherished aunt, I can't help wishing for another bouquet of yellow cactus flowers from my son. post comment

Life [10 Nov 2009|07:20pm] sister_moon [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | Already Gone ] I wonder if I have anything to say today. Dont know how long I will write just felt like posting something in my journal as I talk to Sc. I gave her the link to my journal yesterday. Just as long as Jeff doesnt get the link things will be fine. Jeff would be so pissed if he read this. Oh well. Its my journal and my life and he has no say in them anymore. *rolls my eyes and sighs* So what have I done today. Not much. I got up around noon and hung out with mom for a bit and then crashed on her bed till 4 in the afternoon. I totally blew off Jeff today but I just wasnt in the mood to actually get up enough to talk to him. I finally answered my phone the second time he called me and told him I was sleeping. He left me alone after that and I continued to just doze in and out. I was also watching the neighbors kids when they got home from school. Basically just if they needed something they could come over and ask me. Debbie still isnt home so Kevin is over there now. I had to drive to PA tonight to get cigg stuff. That was annoying. I hate driving at night. And Kevin has been getting on my nerves today. Actually everyone has been getting on my nerves today. Im so tired of being alone. Im tired of watching Mom and Wolf be together and knowing that I have no one here to kiss anymore or to just curl up on the couch together and watch tv. I'll write more later. post comment

Oh well [09 Nov 2009|11:22pm] sister_moon [ mood | crappy ] [ music | nothing ] Well I cut tonight. It felt good but I am so tired of people telling me what I can and can not do when I cut. It takes the pleasure out of it because then I cant just let go I have to keep some control. And that takes the release out if it which is why I crave to cut so much. Im cutting more then I was before. *sighs* Whatever. I bought my ticket today to go to Ga so its offical. Im going back to Ga for christmas. Yay. Whatever. I really dont wanna write so im going to bed. Blah. Have to be in bed in 30 mins anyways. WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! post comment

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